Ahhhh, it's been a while. I wish I could say I was addicted to a game or focused on journaling; creating my D&D character or doing lots and lots of cleaning but the fact is... I have been dealing with the worst executive dysfunction of my life.
Not many people know what executive dysfunction is, even if they're knowledgeable about mental health and ADHD especially. I describe executive dysfunction like so:
Imagine you have a light bulb that has burnt out. You know where a replacement is. You can reach the light bulb without any issue. It's dark and you really need the additional light but... You just can't make yourself go and replace the light bulb.
However, that's... Light bulbs. To give a better example: you're a gamer and the best expansion pack for your favorite game just came out... You have a great PC, you have the money for the game and you have the time to play. But you just can't get yourself to buy and play the game. It's like a block that feels impossible to move past.
That's what I've been experiencing and it's so tough. I also feel very agitated. I'm not grumpy or anything like that but I feel off. I really love feeling comfy, cozy and peaceful. But lately, my brain is anxious and my body feels weird and I feel... Chaotic isn't the right word? I'm calm. But I'm not peaceful.
Everything has been suffering because of all of this. I am having an extremely hard time focusing, I haven't journaled (which is REALLY helpful to me) in a long time, I can't really get myself to play anything other than Wushu and you know I love gaming... I haven't watched my favorite TV series' or started a MUD like I want. Cleaning is non-existent and even taking care of my physical and mental health has fallen to the wayside.
It's a very jumbled mess and every single thing is making me feel worse. I just can't get myself to do anything and it's so stressful!
I am 99% sure this is executive dysfunction, especially because I am currently not on any ADHD medication. I've tried Adderall and Ritalin and neither helped me. Now I'm on Modafinil, which isn't for ADHD but is still a stimulant (for sleep disorders.) However, there is the possibility that my anti-depressant has worn off. This can definitely happen! You can be on a medication for years and suddenly the dosage or medication just... Doesn't work anymore. Or it's lack of ADHD medication AND my anti-depressant wearing off.
I have an appointment with my Doctor in the morning. I've been putting even this off...
I want to get back to my Angie way of being!
To end this post, I'd like to share this post from E. H. Mann that I found when Googling some information about executive dysfunction. It's about literally not being able to make yourself move from bed and it's the first time I've seen someone write about not being able to even get up and do something, like me. I hate that others go through this, but I am also relieved that I am not alone.
As usual, Astrid and Koji are taking good care of me and our babies make me so happy. I'm putting all of my effort into working and I'm having a wonderful time with my job and I think bettering my mental health and focus will make me an even better team member!
I can't say it's all bad. I love my life. I just need to fix a little bit here and there to feel my best.
No comments:
Post a Comment