Dealing With My Mental Health (Where I've Been)

Ahhhh, it's been a while. I wish I could say I was addicted to a game or focused on journaling; creating my D&D character or doing lots and lots of cleaning but the fact is... I have been dealing with the worst executive dysfunction of my life.

Not many people know what executive dysfunction is, even if they're knowledgeable about mental health and ADHD especially. I describe executive dysfunction like so:

Imagine you have a light bulb that has burnt out. You know where a replacement is. You can reach the light bulb without any issue. It's dark and you really need the additional light but... You just can't make yourself go and replace the light bulb.

However, that's... Light bulbs. To give a better example: you're a gamer and the best expansion pack for your favorite game just came out... You have a great PC, you have the money for the game and you have the time to play. But you just can't get yourself to buy and play the game. It's like a block that feels impossible to move past.

That's what I've been experiencing and it's so tough. I also feel very agitated. I'm not grumpy or anything like that but I feel off. I really love feeling comfy, cozy and peaceful. But lately, my brain is anxious and my body feels weird and I feel... Chaotic isn't the right word? I'm calm. But I'm not peaceful. 

Everything has been suffering because of all of this. I am having an extremely hard time focusing, I haven't journaled (which is REALLY helpful to me) in a long time, I can't really get myself to play anything other than Wushu and you know I love gaming... I haven't watched my favorite TV series' or started a MUD like I want. Cleaning is non-existent and even taking care of my physical and mental health has fallen to the wayside. 

It's a very jumbled mess and every single thing is making me feel worse. I just can't get myself to do anything and it's so stressful!

I am 99% sure this is executive dysfunction, especially because I am currently not on any ADHD medication. I've tried Adderall and Ritalin and neither helped me. Now I'm on Modafinil, which isn't for ADHD but is still a stimulant (for sleep disorders.) However, there is the possibility that my anti-depressant has worn off. This can definitely happen! You can be on a medication for years and suddenly the dosage or medication just... Doesn't work anymore. Or it's lack of ADHD medication AND my anti-depressant wearing off.

I have an appointment with my Doctor in the morning. I've been putting even this off... 

I want to get back to my Angie way of being! 

To end this post, I'd like to share this post from E. H. Mann that I found when Googling some information about executive dysfunction. It's about literally not being able to make yourself move from bed and it's the first time I've seen someone write about not being able to even get up and do something, like me. I hate that others go through this, but I am also relieved that I am not alone. 

As usual, Astrid and Koji are taking good care of me and our babies make me so happy. I'm putting all of my effort into working and I'm having a wonderful time with my job and I think bettering my mental health and focus will make me an even better team member! 

I can't say it's all bad. I love my life. I just need to fix a little bit here and there to feel my best.

Therapy and What I'm Doing

My job offers paid therapy, which is just... Amazing. You can browse a list of psychologists and choose who you'd like to meet with. All of them are lovely and I'm so grateful that they offer their experience and time! The psychologist I chose is super sweet and SO helpful. I told her how much I was struggling and she not only helped me, she helped me... Help myself. At the end of our last session, when I thanked her so so much, she told me that in reality, I gave myself all of the answers that I needed. She just packaged them in a way that would be clearer to me. I felt really empowered and also thankful, because I need that re-packaging SO much.

So, one thing I am starting is writing a to-do list in my bullet journal every night before bed. This way, I can sleep soundly without all of my to-do's running through my head AND I wake up feeling productive and ready to go!

When the week starts, I will also call my Doctor and set up my sleep study. I reallyyyy don't want to do this sleep study but my narcolepsy is affecting every area of my life, including work. So it's something that I need to do.

Finally, I will start confronting my worries. Instead of dwelling on what hasn't even happened and may not happen, I will face my worries head on. I'll ask how everything is (such as asking my boss how I am doing, asking my loan company if I can lower the payments, etc.)

I've realized that a h u g e source of anxiety for me is this... Not knowing and not addressing what I don't know.

Oh and finally finally, I will focus on self-care. Something I have noticed is that when my nails haven't been painted or I haven't had long nails in a while, it's a sign that I'm mentally and/or physically feeling very blah. So, I'll start small and do my nails and let that uplift me!

This is a little post about my health and I hope you enjoyed reading and maybe I've inspired you to get started on your own goals! Take care of yourselves, all of you. Until next time!