Dealing With My Mental Health (Where I've Been)

Ahhhh, it's been a while. I wish I could say I was addicted to a game or focused on journaling; creating my D&D character or doing lots and lots of cleaning but the fact is... I have been dealing with the worst executive dysfunction of my life.

Not many people know what executive dysfunction is, even if they're knowledgeable about mental health and ADHD especially. I describe executive dysfunction like so:

Imagine you have a light bulb that has burnt out. You know where a replacement is. You can reach the light bulb without any issue. It's dark and you really need the additional light but... You just can't make yourself go and replace the light bulb.

However, that's... Light bulbs. To give a better example: you're a gamer and the best expansion pack for your favorite game just came out... You have a great PC, you have the money for the game and you have the time to play. But you just can't get yourself to buy and play the game. It's like a block that feels impossible to move past.

That's what I've been experiencing and it's so tough. I also feel very agitated. I'm not grumpy or anything like that but I feel off. I really love feeling comfy, cozy and peaceful. But lately, my brain is anxious and my body feels weird and I feel... Chaotic isn't the right word? I'm calm. But I'm not peaceful. 

Everything has been suffering because of all of this. I am having an extremely hard time focusing, I haven't journaled (which is REALLY helpful to me) in a long time, I can't really get myself to play anything other than Wushu and you know I love gaming... I haven't watched my favorite TV series' or started a MUD like I want. Cleaning is non-existent and even taking care of my physical and mental health has fallen to the wayside. 

It's a very jumbled mess and every single thing is making me feel worse. I just can't get myself to do anything and it's so stressful!

I am 99% sure this is executive dysfunction, especially because I am currently not on any ADHD medication. I've tried Adderall and Ritalin and neither helped me. Now I'm on Modafinil, which isn't for ADHD but is still a stimulant (for sleep disorders.) However, there is the possibility that my anti-depressant has worn off. This can definitely happen! You can be on a medication for years and suddenly the dosage or medication just... Doesn't work anymore. Or it's lack of ADHD medication AND my anti-depressant wearing off.

I have an appointment with my Doctor in the morning. I've been putting even this off... 

I want to get back to my Angie way of being! 

To end this post, I'd like to share this post from E. H. Mann that I found when Googling some information about executive dysfunction. It's about literally not being able to make yourself move from bed and it's the first time I've seen someone write about not being able to even get up and do something, like me. I hate that others go through this, but I am also relieved that I am not alone. 

As usual, Astrid and Koji are taking good care of me and our babies make me so happy. I'm putting all of my effort into working and I'm having a wonderful time with my job and I think bettering my mental health and focus will make me an even better team member! 

I can't say it's all bad. I love my life. I just need to fix a little bit here and there to feel my best.

I have a new job and it's perfect x being a Community Manager

 

Me to myself! 

I... I have my dream job? I HAVE MY DREAM JOB?! I HAVE MY DREAM JOB! The job I have dreamt of since 2004 when I was fourteen is now mine and I am so excited and proud, especially because my company is so wonderful. Our team is family and everyone is great. I truly look forward to coming in every morning and talking to them as we plan our day. My company is Legio Vox Studios and we're making the game The End Of The Line: New Age! (This is our website and there's a mailing list you can sign up for!)

The End Of The Line: New Age is a mobile gacha game focused on storytelling and player choices! If you love your choices truly mattering, this is definitely a game you'd like. I reallyyyy love the story too!

I'm the marketing Community Manager and I am loving what I do. I'm also working from home which is PERFECT for me! I've been a gamer my whole life and now I get to work for an indie game company and I love indie gaming. Now, it's something I surround myself with even more than when I started and I am enjoying all of the amazing indie developers I've found on social media while doing my job. I follow them on my personal account too!

It's amazing that my biggest hobby (gaming and social media) mixed with one of my greatest joys (community and socializing) is now my job. I also have a schedule now, so I actually can DO STUFF after work! My work day ends around 5 PM and I have all evening off. It's a great feeling! Though, I wouldn't mind having more hours if I get that chance!

Anyway, this is why I've been quiet. Despite having a schedule, I've just been so hyped! I'll start posting more often! 

I'd really love if you'd follow our social media, you can find us on: Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Pinterest!

How are you all? Tell me about your job!

Notebook Therapy "Tsuki" 2022 Lucky Bag

 

Hello friends! I am SO excited to share this perfect gift that Astrid bought me for Christmas with you. ❤️ First, though, a little reminder: spoilers. 

Notebook Therapy had their 2022 Tsuki Lucky Bag (filled with never before seen items) for sale and Astrid got me one right before they sold out! I was so excited waiting for my package and it's seriously so, so amazing. There was over $200 worth of Notebook Therapy items inside from the Tsuki collection!

It's "inspired by the magical Fukubukuro new year boxes of Japan - the most unique gift of the year!" What does that mean? Read until the end to find out! 

Anyway, I love Japan. Like, I LOVE Japan and have since I was fourteen (that was back in 2004!) and I also love bullet journaling, so I am super grateful. 😊

Alright,  let's get on to what was inside!

First...

Everything came in this precious tote bag that's full of Japanese imagery, from the maneki-neko to the gourd sake bottle! Plus of course, the tsuki (Moon.)

I am definitely using this as my new bag everywhere I go. Inside was a little pouch full of tape, which I'll show you soon! I love the little pouch and plan on keeping either my tape tucked safely inside or just use this for something else. Maybe a little lucky pouch for my tote bag? 🤔😮

Next...

My brand new bullet journal! It's a beautiful red wine color and has silver gilded edge pages with little moons, stars and flowers on them. The front of the journal has the same design and it's just so so beautiful. I cannot wait to write down my thoughts, plans, wishes, goals and more in this journal.

Packaged with the journal were these Japanese themed transfer stickers from various FABULOUS artists! There're so many maneki-neko plus mochi, torii gates, moons, ramen, little lanterns and so much more! Ahhhh, I have wanted transfer stickers for SO long. These are my first and I'm so happy that they are!

There was also this beautiful Tsuki stand-up pencil holder in the same red wine color as my journal and also these lovely Japanese themed washi tapes. The chunky one looks like kawaii little stamps and the others are more like origami paper patterns (in my opinion!)

Wrapping up this perfect lucky bag was an elegant golden ruler with Tsuki stencils, a Japanese themed stamp set (I love them all and I can't wait to use them on EVERYTHING) and a maneki-neko keychain! I'm actually a HUGE collector of keychains, or well... Was in the past, until my old bag broke and I haven't had one sturdy enough to restart my collection! Now I do AND I have my first keychain for my bag too!

I was incredibly touched that Astrid bought me this lucky bag, filled with so many goodies that are so perfect for me. She's the bestest wife ever! Thank you, foxie! I love you!

"Made up of two words, Fukubukuro translates literally to Lucky Bag! It comes from the Japanese deity- Daikokuten- who holds a bag filled with happiness + good luck. Every year, companies across Japan use this bag as inspiration for Fukubukuro, filling mystery bags with luxury goods to thank their customers for their support over the year. We'd like to share this tradition with you in time for 2022! Can you guess what's inside?" - Notebook Therapy

Embroidery

 

Good morning, afternoon or evening friends! I'd like you to do something while you read this post... Take a deep breath, relax your body and feel a warm and peaceful feeling within you. Sweet little hobbies deserve quiet, cozy moments.

I'm sitting here writing with my Tazo Zen tea by my side, in a beautiful brown mug etched with cream colored leaves that my mother-in-law gave me. Nearby is my brand new embroidery kit, also from my mother-in-law. She bought this kit right before Halloween and there is a pattern for trick-or-treating, spooky animals like bats and spiders with a gorgeous crescent moon in the sky and finally, a Witch's hat that's surrounded by pumpkins.

Even if Halloween is over for now and November has come, Halloween and Samhain will forever be my favorite holiday and sabbat, so I am excited to have a homemade decoration that will envoke magick. 

I haven't started embroidering yet, but I will be soon. I just need to be brave and start. I worry I won't be successful, but it's better to try than not to try.

I'd like to show off a few Etsy embroideries that I have found and love during the start of my new hobby. I hope you enjoy them and have a magickal day!

Here

Here

Here

Here

Here

Here

Here

Here

Which is your favorite, friends?

Take care,

- Angie

Happy November!

It's November! It's time for mashed potatoes, Christmas music, Yule planning, gifts and the warm cozies as we decorate for the third most fabulous time of the year! The first is birthdays and anniversaries and the second is Halloween and Samhain! 

I'm starting November by trying to do as much as possible... Continue working on my November bullet journal pages, exercise (not gonna happen tonight .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.) and so much more.

I have done some stuff, though and I should be proud of that, right?! Right! I can't let myself get caught in the negative. I will admit that my executive dysfunction can make starting anything, from stuff I absolutely love doing to stuff I have a very hard time with, extremely hard. The best way I can describe executive dysfunction, which is part of ADHD, is this: you have a hobby you LOVE and there's something you REALLY want to do involving it and yet you just cannot get yourself to do so. It's like physically and mentally being held back, even if it's easy.

Alright, for real now... I WON'T let myself get caught in the negative. 

Tonight I've started reading one novel and have another queued up. The one I am reading now is Custom Made Demon King and so far it's SO GOOD! I love these kinds of novels a lot. 

Here's the summary: 

Roy’s life was nothing special. The only thing commendable was the last few moments when he saved a mother and her child from a drunk driver.  

... 

 

It’s really an egg! Damn it, what kind of monster have I become? Did I fall into Hell instead of making it to Heaven?? 

Join Roy as he ventures through various worlds with the Custom Made Demon King System—a system that allows Roy to draw anything he can imagine and create it through exchanging souls!

Koji and I are reading this one together and I can't wait to read more! The one I have queued up is one that was recommended on a sponsored Instagram page, haha. The MC (Main Character) is FEMALE!!!! which is so rare for me to find and she's involved with death and demons, the kind of stuff I love. It's called The Keeper of Night and here's the summary:

Half British Reaper, half Japanese Shinigami, Ren Scarborough has been collecting souls in the London streets for centuries. Expected to obey the harsh hierarchy of the Reapers who despise her, Ren conceals her emotions and avoids her tormentors as best she can.

When her failure to control her Shinigami abilities drives Ren out of London, she flees to Japan to seek the acceptance she’s never gotten from her fellow Reapers. Accompanied by her younger brother, the only being on earth to care for her, Ren enters the Japanese underworld to serve the Goddess of Death… only to learn that here, too, she must prove herself worthy. Determined to earn respect, Ren accepts an impossible task—find and eliminate three dangerous Yokai demons—and learns how far she’ll go to claim her place at Death’s side. 

I really think that this will become a favorite novel of mine, but of course it's too soon to tell!

Outside of novels, fashion! I bought a new pair of jeans. They're skinny jeans which I rarely wear, but I. want. BOOTS! I want Uggs or similar boots as well as big furry boots like I see on gals in Japan. The jeans are a very dark blue, inspired by a gal I found online wearing ane gyaru. I feel like this fits my style, as I am not comfortable with shorts or skirts yet and I love being comfy. Also, not just gyaru, but another huge fashion and lifestyle love of mine... Mori Kei and the other nature themed styles. Jeans aren't often used in Mori Kei, but I can totally make them work, right?! Right! Gyaru and Mori Kei are complete opposite fashion styles and lifestyles, but they are each part of me. I realized long ago that wearing just one style while longing for others and living just one lifestyle when others called to me just wasn't good for me. 

I'm sure there are people who think I can't be Gyaru and Mori Kei... But that's their problem!

I also bought Astrid a spinner ring, myself a bullet journal (my November theme is crafty) mini calendar stencil and Koji some new incense, both a favorite scent and one that's new to him!

Oh! Astrid bought me a fidget Slug. His name is Sluggo! She found him completely by chance on Etsy and I absolutely needed him. Here's a picture AND he actually will turn colors when you hold him:

He's so cute!!!!

Finally and yes I realize that this post is all over the place... I made a new friend at work as well as a pen pal, my pen pal being from the International Geek Girl Pen Pal Club! She already wrote me a letter and I wrote one back! I can't wait until it's delivered. She's my first pen pal!

Also, Shoo, my friend who I met via work, told me about Slowly! It's a Pen Pal style app where you can find (platonic!) matches and send them long letters. The best part is, depending on how close or far you are, the letters take a while to get to your new friend so there's no feeling of instant messaging! I love that so much! 

Okay, my last shift of the night starts in half an hour, so I'll wrap this up. Soon, I'll have a little Witchy post! So watch for that!

Take care!
- Angie

 

Vegetarian? Flexitarian?

This post isn't preachy, don't worry! It's just how I've been feeling and that is that I want to go vegetarian or flexitarian, even if it's just for a little while.

I love meat. My favorite food is steak and potatoes. Bacon in the morning is joyful and I love feijoada, a very meaty Brazilian dish. I didn't choose this. In the past, I'd have a thought every... year? which was "oh... I'm eating an animal." and I'd have to put my food down. But that was VERY rare.

This year, I was eating fried chicken which I love(d) and saw something that made me ill. I won't share what and nothing was wrong with the chicken, this was just a natural piece but ever since, I've had a super hard time with meat.

Even little bits of meat, like pepperoni on a pizza. 😭 I'll be eating and trying hard not to focus on what I'm eating, but as soon as I let my guard down and do, I feel ill and can't finish.

This is a very new thing that I've decided, just last week, actually. So it's still very fresh. I'd prefer to be flexitarian, but right now I can't stomach any meat. 

Luckily there's loads of great veggie brands (minus bacon... I've never found a veggie bacon that doesn't take like dog treats) and veggie food in general. I plan on having dairy and eggs, though even those I'd like to go to the natural market around here and get as fresh and as healthily grown as possible.

Anyway, this is a big thing for me. Especially because it's not my choice. I was wondering, what is your FAVORITE veggie food? Whether it's fresh, frozen, homemade or from a restaurant. I just want some ideas! I'd especially love if they're fresh or frozen and easy to make though. 😂 Also, this doesn't only have to be vegetarian food like veggie patties or anything, even just like your favorite meatless pasta dish or your favorite bread! I gotta work on my grocery list.

Take care everyone! Until next time.

Hello! Friendly Help and Eye Make Inspo!

Hello! I just woke up and I can't even get coffee because someone is working on the stairs. (;¬_¬) Also, I wish I could take OOTD pictures, but I have no outfits and no good mirror. 😒 I made a new friend named India, who is living where I am!!!! and she said she often will buy from Japan and that I can do my order with her. Outfits?! Outfits!

Speaking of friends... A little something that's been keeping me away from blogging. Okay, a big something. My friend who was like my sister... who WAS my sister... and I drifted apart. She found new people and left my partners and I for them. She did a lot more than that to drive me away, but being ignored by someone you love and treated like you're nothing is hard. I'll make new friends. They can't replace her and I wouldn't want them to, each person is their own individual selves and I love that. The hard thing for me, is finding friends who aren't teenagers. I don't go looking for teenagers, don't misunderstand me! I mean... I'm 32, but my hobbies are anime and manga, gaming, Japanese fashion and just being silly. I love being silly.

And most of all... I won't go into detail, but kink. Some lifestyles are a huge part of my life and I love them dearly, so having an actual close friends means they need to accept all of me. Who I am. They don't have to be the same way or anything, though that's a plus, but they need to understand and accept me. I will never change and I love who I am.

Also, I have two best friends who are Astrid and Koji. They're so much more than that, my lovers, my partners in all I do. But they will forever be my best friends too. 

Now! What this post is REALLY about (omg, I type so much...) I was on the gal Discord and made a new friend named Abby! He's super nice and is helping me with some makeup products I should get for gyaru. I am a disaster and have been doing everything wrong, which I now know. (｡•́︿•̀｡)

Here's a bit of what I'm getting from the store! I needed something that didn't cost a lot of money, mainly because while good makeup can be pricey, I don't want to spend a lot on something that doesn't work... Which is normally everything I buy. 😓

Okay, so uh... I don't use primer. I never have. I have rosacea and wondered why makeup affected my skin so badly... Abby told me that this will HELP my skin, not make my redness worse! So yay! It's the e.l.f. Hydrating Face Primer.

So the primer is ON. What next?

This e.l.f. Metallic Flare Highlighter! My BIGGEST issue, outside of my droop, is my nose strip and whatever the little shimmery white line that's under your liner is. I'm new, okay?!

Abby said this should help, after I showed him pictures of my skin tone and how I look with foundation on. Plus, it's e.l.f., so good brand and cheap enough to experiment! I don't care how much my makeup is, $3 or $100. What I like is what I like and therefore, it's good enough.

Not everyone I know is gal and even those who are might get some new inspiration! I worry, because I feel like most gals have seen this inspo a lot and I'm just reposting new stuff... But there's lots of new gals, so hopefully this will help them!

I don't know how "great" these are on the gal rating, haha, but I picked what I liked and want to do myself... Though, I do want more highlighter under my eye, personally. IF that would look good, of course!

Also, I want a pierced tongue but I am a huge chicken...

Anyway! Two blog posts for more inspo, including one that goes over eye make for different substyles! They are by Bunny Crafty Dream Blog and Hello Lizzie Bee!

Lizzie's post is great because I don't wear contacts. They terrific me! So I MUST make my eye make POP. 

Anyway, that's all. I have all morning off until noon when I work, so since I can't go get coffee, I'll probably play some League, hehe. Until later!